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The
Nutty Professors
By Julia Gorin
Jewish World
Review,
10/5/01
AS various representatives
from the country's institutions of higher learning, called professors,
admonish us to not think of terrorists as such but as soldiers, and chide
the U.S. for any show of patriotism or national self-defense, they remind
us that they are, in fact, institutionalized.
Just like the old saying goes: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
These people have made our job easy: They've committed themselves voluntarily.
They're telling us where they belong or, rather, where they don't belong:
the real world.
So we know that these are people who are not capable of functioning in
the real world. Instead, they live and flourish in institutions: They
work in the institutions, commune with others of the institutions, live
in housing provided by the institutions, and they don't get out very
often.
Bewildered by world events and realities, they recruit those who are
ripe for similar confusion, to nurture and mold cadres of others like
themselves. To that end, they take willing yet unsuspecting hostages
on whom they impose their dementia in order to incapacitate them so that
they too emerge unready to cope with and comprehend the world. These
victims are called college students.
During the course of the students' stay, professors use a grading system
to inflict positive and negative reinforcement in response to the students'
progress, or lack of it, in a system based on the programming experiments
of scientist Ivan Pavlov. This programming is called education.
At the completion of their internment, students are awarded a certificate
known as a degree, indicating that they too are now certifiable. (They
often go on to make the same faux pas as their mentors, proudly displaying
on their walls as many such credentials as they manage to collect over
the years.) Indeed, leaders should always take their cues on how to govern
from campus reaction to current events. They should monitor closely college
protests and rallies, and practice an inverted version of the Pavlovian
method: Whatever the students are calling for, do the opposite. Once
again, the halls of academe make it easy for us.
In maintaining discipline among the professors' own ranks, meanwhile,
techniques of positive and negative reinforcement are again employed.
When they sense that one among them is unlike the rest, or suspect him
or her of being cured-which usually manifests itself as dissent from
the group-the individual is most often condemned by as yet ailing colleagues,
and released by the institution's administrators.
Professors are called professors because they do not think, but merely
profess. Among the things they profess is their sanity. For this reason,
it is ironic that members of this group should also be known as "faculty," since
they have lost their faculties long ago. In fact, many are known to occasionally
break the teacher-student trust and carry on affairs with their hostages,
suffering additionally as they do from compulsive marital infidelity
coupled with borderline pedophilia.
All of this is to say that when professors such as Columbia University's
Edward Said call the country arrogant and criticize it for not giving
negotiations a chance, it is important to remember that, like Said, they
could be pathological liars-in print as well as word-for their world
view demands it.
Likewise, when these academics tell their students,
as one did, that "we need to examine the ethnic and cultural boundaries
that we as a country have set up, if we hope to figure out why the terrorists
hate us so much"-we must remember that they have voluntarily quarantined
themselves from decent society.
True, they accept invitations to appear as distinguished guests on television
and radio talk shows to offer their perspectives on the news of the day.
And yes, their rantings appear not only as assigned reading on the syllabi
of fellow patients at other asylums but in the printed press as well.
But that's because, as the saying goes, crazy people don't know they're
crazy.
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